The Much Anticipated Pink Hatter Post

This is the post you have all been waiting for. The one where I explain to you what at pink hatter is.

A pink hatter is usually a female (though there have been some males witnessed exhibiting their behavior) who is at the game with her male companion. She has no idea or care about what is going on on the field. And she is making this known to everyone around her and disrupting their enjoyment of the game. What are some of the actions of a pink hatter you ask?

1. The most obvious, and usually an easy way to pick them out in your section right away, is that they are wearing a pink hat with the team logo. I hate these hats. I can't even fathom why anyone would want one. If you want to have a hat to protect you from the sun at the game, but don't want one with the team logo (ugh...letters...that is almost like reading...eww), go for one with the mascot on it (pictures...easier to understand...and usually a cute animal). I own a St Louis Cardinals hat with Fredbird on it. No shame it that. It is still in team colors (ok, just one color really, red). It says "I am a girl, but I still know how to dress at a game. Worry not, I will not annoy you for 9 innings."

2. Working on your tan at the game? You are a pink hatter, no matter your gender. If you want to sit 10 rows behind home plate and work on your tan, you are wasting your money and annoying all of the fans around you who just want to watch the game. Instead we have to hear about your bicep tan lines (a guy) and see the straps of your tank top pulled down to prevent tan lines on your shoulders (hope you enjoy the tan lines randomly on your arms lady). The alternative to this is that you go to the tanning salon to fix your tan and then go to a night game if you really want to see baseball without wrecking the tan. Want to save even more money? Sit out in your backyard. Don't be talking about your tans for 2 innings. Even though this is Kansas City, some people want to see the game. Shush!

3. If you take a photo with the margarita vendor without even buying a margarita or at the very least giving him a tip, you are worse than a pink hatter, you are rude beyond belief. Newsflash to all baseball fans: vendors in the stands work purely on commission and tips. They only get paid for what they sell, not for how long they stand there yelling about their wares. So when you make a guy walk up 20 rows in the upper deck and then only want your girlfriend to take a picture of you with him (and yell at him to stand sideways so his pack of frozen goodness can be seen), you are the worst baseball fan ever. At least slip him a 5. You just wasted his time. He could have been selling actual drinks and making actual money. And for all you regular fans, make sure to tip your vendors. They get pennies for a commission (about .50 per 5 dollar hot dog). And they carry heavy containers up steep stairs just to make the game more convenient for you. Respect that please.

4. This last thing makes you just about as recognizable as a pink hatter, without the hat being needed. If you are sitting in the upper deck and reapplying your makeup, you are a pink hatter. No ifs, ands or buts about it. You ARE a pink hatter. Bathrooms are no more than 200 feet from each seat in modern stadiums (sometimes a lot less). You seriously can't walk 200 feet to the bathroom (and mirror) to apply your blush? You should have your ticket revoked. Forever. No more games for you. That is just a disgrace. Chapstick and sunscreen are the only things you can apply to your face in the stands. Anything else and your neighbors have free reign to apply a beer to your face. Just saying.

And that, my friends, is why you never ever want to be called a pink hatter. It is okay to go to a game when you have no clue what is going on. Just don't act like you can do whatever you want while you are there. Other people have come to enjoy the game. No one will really mind if you quietly (and that is the key, people 3 rows back don't need to hear it) ask your significant other (or whomever you came with) what is going on on the field. That is fine. But don't make a spectacle of yourself. Or you will one day be surfing the internet and find that someone like me complained about your actions at the game for the whole world to read.